already?

Tonight...and i thought we weren't seeing eye to eye in a sexual sense...but really, actually, it's everything? I thought...we were better, happier. But you've been feeling like the pressure is building...I...I feel so stupid, how did i miss something that big. I mean, i guess work has been putting more stress on everything but...i just thought that was mostly sexual too. Wow...I'm so confused, I feel like everything in my life is falling apart..."we're still dating right now so I can...". When did it get to that? I'm so blind, how are we supposed to move together when you're not happy? How can I honestly make you give up what you've got going here for a crap shoot. There's so much happening and I just...I don't...I wonder if the moon was watching tonight? I think it must have been hidden behind a cloud...it's supposed to watch over me...but now...I don't even have a right to you. It's cruel of me to make you change Jeff. I don't know how to make myself stop but I won't let you waste time so unhappily.
...I love you with all my heart and I really always will, I'll always try to be a better friend...I just want you to be happy. I'll find my own way just fine, I always do.

Econ...

So I'm sitting in econ class today, and Pratt is droning on about..houses and investments and loans. And as he's telling us how making investments and renovations to a house you've bought will increase it's worth and blah blah. And do you know what I thought of? What I pictured? You, looking up at me from a table in a backyard. Smiling and sweating a touch, a little grubby...and just really happy. I couldn't help but smile at that thought. Even if it was barely more than a shack, right now, I would be so happy as long as it was ours to share and work on together. I love you...I'm so glad you're coming back soon

Today...

later on, it just felt wrong. I don't know why and i'm sorry if it was just me, but everything was just wrong. It's not that i'm sick of you or bored of you, i just felt like after school was out...I dunno, like we didn't click or something. Today was one of those days that makes me worry about us...and if we're going to last, and if it was meant to be. And i'm sure that didn't help make the mood better so i'm sorry for that. I guess after saturday and all the physical stuff i just really wanted to be close and gentle, but it just didn't get across i guess and that makes me worry sometimes, because while i like sex, i'll always be the more gentle lover. Kissing and being close mean something different to me. It's who i am and i worry sometimes that we won't be able to cope later in life, that i won't meet your sexual needs and you won't be soft enough...I hope we do survive, but I know there are days i just don't fulfill what you need and i feel bad those days, i really do. It was just a long day and I want you to be safe going home. Maybe we'll talk when you're back...I love you...

So I lied...

Terri is not really what's bugging me...well not solely. The real thing that's got me upset in choir is... I don't think I want to be in it next year. I've embarrassed my self both last year and this year and I don't think I deserve more of that. I don't wanna be in choir even this year, especially the way things are going. There's no gossip or bad talk, but that doesn't seem to matter. And don't get me wrong I love to sing, it's one of the few things i'm passionate about that I'm okay at, but I'm not getting any better and I don't want to keep making a fool of myself...

Don't take this all very serious, K?

Why is it that I couldn't cheer you up the other night...instead of just smiling and trying to enjoy our last little bit of time together you...sighed, complained, bitched, moaned, and more or less ignored me. Even on the way home, and I know you didn't want your dad there, but you wouldn't even talk to me, you just let me ramble and look like an idiot...and i sure do feel like one. Do you just like it when i dote on you? I get that but you wouldn't even crack a smile...and you barely even talked to me, answered me, anything. I don't get how that kind of shit works... Why is it that if i spend all night trying to get you to smile and just...enjoy my company, but if i happened to be bummed and wasn't cheering up fast enough you'd not only take it personally but then you'd get depressed and that'd make me feel bad so the attention would be back on you... I kinda feel like you don't...I dunno, like you don't like my company anymore or something. I know stuff can get stale or boring, but i love every moment i'm with you, even when we're doing nothing at all. And you say you have an empty space when i can't entertain you or we're not out shooting or something...and I'm always trying to make you smile and laugh but i can't do it if you don't want to. And I guess you didn't notice and I don't blame you for that...but i dressed up for you all weekend, everyday...I wore cute things, i played with me hair and did different stuff...and other than when we were alone...you didn't look at me. I'm not jealous but I just feel like maybe...I dunno, seems like you only talk about doing stuff with me when you're away and whenever you're here...i dunno what i wanna say, i just...I'm sorry. Now I feel bad...

I....just don't know...

I don't know jeff, about all this. It sounds fun and I think there's some really hot stuff that could come out of it but...I do kinda feel like your pushing me into this. You just barely introduced the hint of anything like that to her an you wanna try something only a week, if that, later? It just doesn't seem right babe. And this is the one weekend we actually get to ourselves... I just feel, I'm nervous too. I mean, if it does get really awkward or something goes weird or wrong you don't have to see her everyday, I do...and I was really looking forward to this weekend, valentines day, the house to ourselves, getting to really have the time to play and explore some things we've only touched on... And then halfway through this last weekend when you started picking up hints that maybe she'd be open, you started talking about getting some stuff, to play with and I kinda got excited, I mean we don't have anything that's for me and what I like alot but you hinted at something like that. But you're really not buying them for me and you...you're buying them for the chance that she does come and join us, right? Sure you say you got me something but what is it? Is it something I've mentioned I'd like or something you wanna try or use. You do that alot so I guess it really doesn't matter but... You know the whole hood thing...I mentioned that a while ago, but you really didn't consider it until she mentioned liking the dark too...and the vibe dildo...yah it was cheap but everytime you've gotten lots of things for yourself you've never even considered anything I really said I liked. And I don't feel like it's over price cause you've named things I've mentioned for less than $3. So to be honest I don't really know what to think of this weekend, I mean I mentioned really wanting to try out a hood and do you remember after telling me you were getting it....do you remember who the person was, the person who you mentioned first about wanting to use that on? Sure wasn't me...

Am I just that bad...

of a person? Or am I just a really shitty friend. I guess I've never had any actual good friend, I mean I have lots of "hey, I kinda know you" friends but I'm just not worth anything more. Any friends I deem as close either end up being bitches or never talk to me except when they have to, like when I'm sitting by them...Why is that? I wish I knew...I mean like...take dani. If I'm not with you I probably won't even get to meet Lee. And if I do get to meet her we surely won't hang out without you. I don't really even have any friends. Any at all...eric and dani are the closest I have to friends and I don't even talk to them outside of school. When you leave, other than school, I'll never talk to anyone...ever. I don't talk to people online cause I can't and no one texts me, even though I actually can. So what does that leave me as? Nothing...not a friend, I'm barely a person. I'm only good for when someone needs me and not the other way around. Everyone thinks I'm that worthless? Well fuck that. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean people have to fuck me over on everything, so if you bother reading this. This is why I don't wanna hang out, I may be one of your first thoughts but I'm no one else's. No where. Not at home, or even in choir, I have no friends but eric, kind of dylan but that doesn't count. Everyone else either doesn't want to know me or hates me. Great, and the only time in the past I've been thought of was when at last minute I'm needed. Well aren't I so special...I'm just worth so much. Sheesh...what a loser I can be, and here I'm wallowing about my lack of friends and people who care, even more loser-ish. Thanks for listening...maybe