Tells...

If I ever say 'fine' in answer to 'are you okay?' etc. And the fine seems crisp = I am actually upset.
If I push against you, squeeze or nudge you when we are close = I am looking for an equal response to answer that 'you' or 'we' are okay.
If I smile or want you to smile= I want to relieve tension.
If I want ask you not to do something= I have reasons.
If I grit my teeth but you cannot hear any noise from it= I am thinking or slightly annoyed, but just barely.
If I clench my stomach muscles= I am very angry and do not wish to speak why or of it.
If I become stoic, do not smile, or do not push to see a smile in a stressful or tense time= I have given up, am depressed, or angry.
If I look at you directly in the eyes and my nostrils are flared= I am extremely angry but do not wish to talk or am considering what to say.
If I ever hear you tell me to stand up for myself more then once in a conversation= I have to smack you.
If I breath deeply and have my eyes closed then snap them open and smile= I have just released or suppressed anger or sadness
If I grit my teeth and you can hear a noise= I am very angry
If I look worried and smile slightly= I am trying to show or see that you or I am at least alright and want an equal or better response.
If I say 'I'm trying'= I expect you to give me a little slack on the topic.
If I don't want you at that party= I don't want you to meet the people, be near the alcohol, or see me or what I used to be like in that environment.
And no, telling me that you don't care what I used to do is not going to help because you seeing them act like that would still hurt me.
Because, you see most or all of my 'no's or negatives towards things solely come from a need to protect myself. And if you where to watch me take a drink of beer in a party like situation or even meet a drinker/partier, it would in fact hurt me. So I do this not to exclude you or to act as if you cannot handle it, it is only that I choose not to place myself in a situation that would cause me stress, tension, unease, or any other uncomfortable feeling. So even though I love you and wouldn't mind taking you with me I am going to have to say no and insist that you do not come anyway or show up or anything only on the principle that you do not want to hurt me.

Anything else to say... hmm I can't think of anything else so for now I really do love you, and I...............wait just had a thought. When you talked to me tonight and did not answer' I love you' back the second time I said it and said 'bye' instead of goodnight in answer to my nigh-night, did that mean anything consciously or sub-consciously or am I just an over analytic worry wort. Anyway, guess I won't worry.