Today...

later on, it just felt wrong. I don't know why and i'm sorry if it was just me, but everything was just wrong. It's not that i'm sick of you or bored of you, i just felt like after school was out...I dunno, like we didn't click or something. Today was one of those days that makes me worry about us...and if we're going to last, and if it was meant to be. And i'm sure that didn't help make the mood better so i'm sorry for that. I guess after saturday and all the physical stuff i just really wanted to be close and gentle, but it just didn't get across i guess and that makes me worry sometimes, because while i like sex, i'll always be the more gentle lover. Kissing and being close mean something different to me. It's who i am and i worry sometimes that we won't be able to cope later in life, that i won't meet your sexual needs and you won't be soft enough...I hope we do survive, but I know there are days i just don't fulfill what you need and i feel bad those days, i really do. It was just a long day and I want you to be safe going home. Maybe we'll talk when you're back...I love you...

So I lied...

Terri is not really what's bugging me...well not solely. The real thing that's got me upset in choir is... I don't think I want to be in it next year. I've embarrassed my self both last year and this year and I don't think I deserve more of that. I don't wanna be in choir even this year, especially the way things are going. There's no gossip or bad talk, but that doesn't seem to matter. And don't get me wrong I love to sing, it's one of the few things i'm passionate about that I'm okay at, but I'm not getting any better and I don't want to keep making a fool of myself...

Don't take this all very serious, K?

Why is it that I couldn't cheer you up the other night...instead of just smiling and trying to enjoy our last little bit of time together you...sighed, complained, bitched, moaned, and more or less ignored me. Even on the way home, and I know you didn't want your dad there, but you wouldn't even talk to me, you just let me ramble and look like an idiot...and i sure do feel like one. Do you just like it when i dote on you? I get that but you wouldn't even crack a smile...and you barely even talked to me, answered me, anything. I don't get how that kind of shit works... Why is it that if i spend all night trying to get you to smile and just...enjoy my company, but if i happened to be bummed and wasn't cheering up fast enough you'd not only take it personally but then you'd get depressed and that'd make me feel bad so the attention would be back on you... I kinda feel like you don't...I dunno, like you don't like my company anymore or something. I know stuff can get stale or boring, but i love every moment i'm with you, even when we're doing nothing at all. And you say you have an empty space when i can't entertain you or we're not out shooting or something...and I'm always trying to make you smile and laugh but i can't do it if you don't want to. And I guess you didn't notice and I don't blame you for that...but i dressed up for you all weekend, everyday...I wore cute things, i played with me hair and did different stuff...and other than when we were alone...you didn't look at me. I'm not jealous but I just feel like maybe...I dunno, seems like you only talk about doing stuff with me when you're away and whenever you're here...i dunno what i wanna say, i just...I'm sorry. Now I feel bad...

I....just don't know...

I don't know jeff, about all this. It sounds fun and I think there's some really hot stuff that could come out of it but...I do kinda feel like your pushing me into this. You just barely introduced the hint of anything like that to her an you wanna try something only a week, if that, later? It just doesn't seem right babe. And this is the one weekend we actually get to ourselves... I just feel, I'm nervous too. I mean, if it does get really awkward or something goes weird or wrong you don't have to see her everyday, I do...and I was really looking forward to this weekend, valentines day, the house to ourselves, getting to really have the time to play and explore some things we've only touched on... And then halfway through this last weekend when you started picking up hints that maybe she'd be open, you started talking about getting some stuff, to play with and I kinda got excited, I mean we don't have anything that's for me and what I like alot but you hinted at something like that. But you're really not buying them for me and you...you're buying them for the chance that she does come and join us, right? Sure you say you got me something but what is it? Is it something I've mentioned I'd like or something you wanna try or use. You do that alot so I guess it really doesn't matter but... You know the whole hood thing...I mentioned that a while ago, but you really didn't consider it until she mentioned liking the dark too...and the vibe dildo...yah it was cheap but everytime you've gotten lots of things for yourself you've never even considered anything I really said I liked. And I don't feel like it's over price cause you've named things I've mentioned for less than $3. So to be honest I don't really know what to think of this weekend, I mean I mentioned really wanting to try out a hood and do you remember after telling me you were getting it....do you remember who the person was, the person who you mentioned first about wanting to use that on? Sure wasn't me...