I was...

worried, and sad, and withdrawn. I didn't want to be in love with him. I really didn't want to think about a future with he and I still together. I didn't want to picture us married with children, still deep in love and I didn't want to admit that I may want it to end just like that. He told me he wants to see us together, that he hopes and prays that we can still be together in 10 years, and many more after that. And when he says these things, every fiber in my body wants to cry. To let tears flow down my cheeks and show him how much I really do care, but I couldn't. I couldn't squeeze a drop out of my eyes as he sits there crying and breathing hard, my eyes remain dry. And it shocked me and shook me to the core, it shook any of the trust I had had in my love towards him. And as I sat there still shaken only seconds after we had gotten off the phone I was pouring tears. I was shaking and crying and I could barely breath. And all my thoughts drifted away to leave only one that screamed through my head, "You love him." And I knew right then that I couldn't love him more if I tried, that I would give up anything to be with him. So I'm still worried about the fact that I couldn't let myself with, near, or to him. I really want to show him my emotions and I really want to show him when I'm hurt or sad or angry. I just have to hope that I can get over my fears and open up to him. I love him too much to let anything get in between our happiness.

He is...

sweet, romantic, quiet, funny, soft, gentle, loving, smooth, and silly. But sometimes just a few other things slip out. He can be rough, mean, cold, cruel, sadistic, and all around painful. And the weird thing is, these are just the things I'm looking for. I want a guy who can be rough and demanding. One who can hurt me then kiss away the pain. God I love him. He knows exactly how much I crave that pain and how deep down I am a masochist who just wants a good bite or claw. Then he can just snap and be oh so gentle and sweet. I love him, both his sweet side and his dark side that to this day no one but me really knows he has. No one noticed the red teeth marks on my neck or the long red scratches down my back. And when I asked him what I would say if anyone asked what happened, he wanted me to show them my entire red and raw back then say, 'At least I have someone who pleases me' and just laugh as they all stare and blush. God I love him, he is so perfect. I just wish he where here more. Today I didn't get to talk to him until after school and I found that all day, I was cold and I was just lacking most of my normal bouncy, loud, fun, outgoing emotions. Then when I talked to him later, I was all laughs and I was just about boiling. I really didn't think that I was that dependant on his voice, his laugh, his warmth, yet as more time passes between when we last talked I can feel my joy and warmth slowly ebbing away. I miss him so much and I got to say goodbye and see him this morning, god what am I going to do for weeks and even months on end? I love him so much, I just need to focus on school and being happy.

I'm trying...

really hard not to be jealous but it's hard. My boyfriend is a photographer and he is away at college. He also has a deep interest in nude photography and is a very sexual thinker. A while ago he told me about a friend he used to really like but never had the nerve to say anything to because she was dating this dude who was a total jerk. She is now going to school near him and he brings her down to take pictures for entire weekends. Now I know that they arn't going to do anything like have sex, but I'm still really jealous. It just really doesn't help that he used to like her, she's so close to him, and they're only getting to know each other that much better every day. Not to mention last nights phone call. He told me to call him before I went to bed and we both stay up really late. So I decided I'd call im at like one-thirty, not cause I was going to bed, but If Kat was asleep I didn't want to wake her up too late. So when I called they where still up and where taking blacklight photos, which was really cool, but he was really short and kinda mean. Even when I was trying to be nice and asked if I should let him get back to taking pictures, he was like "What?! I can't hear you. I need to get off the phone so love ya bye." and he was just really quick and snappy. I guess when it comes down to it I am just jealous that she gets to spend so much time with him and I don't know if that will ever change. I just miss him and I need him to tell me that I shouldn't be jealous and that he will always love me, like I've told him a dozen or so times. Oh well, I guess I won't get to hear that at least until this weekend is up.

I had such a...

great weekend. I missed him so much and it was so wonderful to get to spend time with him. Problem is I already miss him again. It hasn't even been three days and I already wish I where with him constantly. I love him so much and It's so hard to live without him. I don't know how long I can even keep my mind off him. Maybe a few moments at the most, but that is hardly enough to keep up with school and now I might be in a really big play. I really don't need all that extra work, but hey at least it'll be fun

I get...

to see him tomorrow. He's comming here to pick up some stuff and staying for the weekend. I'm really happy, but I won't get to spend all of it with him. He needs to spend time with his family and I have class this weekend so that equals out to like a day of bliss with him. I'm also really bummed because unless we go swimming there is no way we can get any up close and personal alone time. He also wants to take pictures but that didn't happen last time so I don't know if it will happen this time either.

If I could only...

be with him forever, be held in his arms forever, wrapped in his warmth forever. He hates that word, forever. I get why, it's such a permanent thing, almost a commitment. And even though he absolutely hates everything about that word, he used. He told me that he wanted us to be forever. That's such a big thing and I think I'm actually afraid. Not enough to tell him, or to really pull back, but it scares me that he is so ready to face his own fears for me. He only said those words once before and that was to a girl he was with for like three years. And we have only really been together for a few months. But I want to face this. I Love Him and I really do want us to be together. I want to spend my life with him and I want to work every problem out with him, but I'm worried that he is the one who is rushing into things. Maybe he is just looking to fill the hole that his ex of a year or so left in him. All I know is that at this moment I really want to be in his arms, holding him tight, our bodies completing each others. Only that can't happen so for now I'll have to settle for the fact that I will love him no matter what.