A Dream

A dream I didn't remember until just now, all I did remember was that it was sad and I woke up in tears. I dreamt of this maybe two nights ago.
It started that I was laying in bed sleeping and my cell phone rang, it was a paramedic from the Washoe Medical Center, notifying me that my mother had perished in a car accident. Now for a moment I consider going to school or calling my Uncle and telling him the horrible news, but then I am completely drained of all energy and I fall back into bed. I lay there and sleep through phone calls, presumably from my friends boyfriend and school as to where I am and why I'm not there. I must have been laying there for at least a few days, in a depressed almost trance like state, because then people are coming over to my house knocking and yelling and trying to get in which of course they can't. When these people come over I drudge around slowly and listen to their worries and at one point K comes and mentions that she has to call my man, cause she is sure he will know what is going on.
Well he doesn't and the calls just keep pouring in and I just never pick up. Now one day I am for some reason laying on my living room floor and I hear a quiet polite knock, a far contrast to the loud demanding knocks of so many others. I get up and walk toward my door but before I get there the lock turn smooth and silently. When it opens I am greeted to my man standing there in the doorway, expressionless. He stands in the doorway for a very long time just looking at me. When he finally moves he only opens his mouth to ask, "What's wrong?" I stand there for a while then I step towards him and say, "She's dead" in a monotone voice no feelings to speak of. Well he finally steps into the house and when he does I instantly start to cry, though it was more of a body shaking sob. And as I move to stumble towards him, he is already there holding me up while I just cry. Just standing with me, and I think it was for a span of days, then when I finally stop he hold my shoulders, smiles, and says, "You should eat something."
There is where I awoke crying and a little scared with no reason in mind. It was a very odd night, but I know that it was my subconcious trying to tell me that I should trust him more and let him in because I know he would be the one, if only, that no matter what will always be there to hold me when I'm weak and be there when I need him.

One

One idea, one option, one offer, one whisper, one is all it takes.
One cap to spiral down, one line to hit the ground, one taste to set that crown.
One voice offering fun, and when night is done and all forgotten a friend to keep you spun.
One thought of bitter times erased, faded into tight embrace.
One grasp so strong, escape seems so wrong.
One promise of fogetting, lost in a world so fast.
One promise of peace, people lost in the past.
And it would be so easy, to lose myself in the daze
No pain only a numb existance, filled with empty laughs and silenced cries
How simple to just lean back in, swept away with blinded crowds
No one would notice if the monster reached out for just one breath
Or if it drug me down with it, to cold places with only offer of coffee
And all it would take is one.
One bite, one taste, one whiff, to fall back to a world of high sights and dulled voices.

Home Sweet Home?

Hmm...

Have you ever felt separated. Like from your body or your mind. Like your only watching things going on, not living them. That's how I feel. I guess it's kind of nice, you see things through a different perspective. When you hear word you take them differently. I guess it's kind of peaceful, a little unsettling though. I kind of feel like I'm on PCP. Just really spaced and uncontrolled. I think if an idea popped into my head I would just do it, with no consideration of danger or consequences. huh kind of nice. Though my fingers are not really cooperating with me and it makes typing hard. I'm kinda hungry, I think I'll make pizza. No maybe I should take a bath, yeah that sounds better. Bye bye, tonight I sleep with a monster I did not invite in.

Poem

The stories, they don't compare
The pain, we cannot share
The guilt, we barely bare
The hearts, we try to share
The sights, just never dare
The sounds, no ones' to tear
To share, or not to share
Besides, you just weren't there
And how weird would it have been
You seeing me light up again
From angered breath and flared up nose
A life began, you'll never know
One's lost, one's found
Some sky, some ground
Spins all around, dropping so down
To darkest times and empty days
A world lived out as through a haze
Life so short, and yet so long
Cling to breath, all else is gone
Life is close, soon to awake
By either love or mighty quake
Shaken from the shadows cast
By demons, clinging to the past
Fought back by sun of blinding heat
The warmth my heart did struggle to meet
Love turns the key and let's her free
Out in the sun, frail and cold
Yet that warmth soon makes her bold
To stave off evil lurking inside
And open wide to curious eyes
Start with legacy of fast and fun
A breath so strong, nearly done
Music beats, the sound so strong
A dance, and moves that last so long
The night does die, but the sun never rise
A world now lost new friends, new ties
Beginning, all is started here
Unhealthy lack of sleep and fear
And now the story is but told
But that doesn't matter, for it is old

A question...

I was asked recently has had me thinking for a while. I was asked what I thought my true age was, because I act nothing like people in my own age group. It took me a while and a lot of looking at my own friends and how they act. When I finally realized I have more of an age range than a set age. I would have to guess that I'm any age between 20 to 35. At some times I can be young and carefree and I can shrug off all the crap that goes on, but at other times I feel tired and not old persay, but older than I should be, sometimes I can really feel the weight. The person who asked me this also gave this explination, "sometimes when you look at me I feel so young." This made me think about my experiences in life and how they add up to most other peoples that are my age. I've seen more death than almost any other people I know, and far too many at too close a range. I've partied more and lived more than so many others and I've seen so much more pain. I've seen alot and I've lived alot and I would be so ready to settle down and relax. Also tack on that I hang out with people who are not only very under developed, even for their age, mentally, but also who can barely keep up a civilized conversation, and I get easily overlooked. No one else notices when I look at them with the eyes of many more years with knowledge beyond them. No one but him, my love, my life, my

He and I are...

so much alike. When he isn't here with me... I'm lost. When I'm in my classes even though I'm surrounded by people who are loud and fun, I feel alone. They tell a joke and I may laugh but inside my heart will except no warmth. When I laugh my soul is only throwing out a gesture for the eyes of others. When they talk about things that are important to them I really couldn't care a less because the only person I could possibly think of right then would be him. He is so far away and he can't be here with me and it makes me cold. When I'm talking on the phone with someone and they tell me something I won't remember, because I wasn't even paying attention. I was thinking what he is doing or what he would say to what I was thinking at that time. When I walk and people smile and wave I smile back but if you looked into my eyes you would find sadness, distance, and tears edging nearer. When I talk if you listen close enough you would heae that my tone is cold and hopeless. Thing is no one notices but him and the moment I hear his voice the warmth and love returns to my voice. When he says I love you, the spark comes back to my eyes and the care returns. When I get to think about him I'm not so cold and when I get to hear him my life and soul reappears.

Why do you pick friends?

Is it because they are caring, supportive, fun, or maybe it's just that you get along great. Or are you the kind of person that chooses friend based on a subconscious fear or problem. Well that's me. I like to choose my friends based on the principal that they need to be relatively self absorbed and they need to have lousy skills when it comes to identifying emotions like anger, depression, and all together sadness. And boy can I choose them, my best friend, K is the perfect fit for that and I almost blew today. Usually her little snippy, bitchy comments don't bug me. Today when we went to lunch my man called like usual and instead of just being annoyed like I would understand, she starts whispering and laughing then does that, look back and giggle thing. That pissed me off so badly. So do you know what I wanted to say to her and the other person she was talking with? I would have loved to stop walking and just say Fuck You. And when they turned around I would simply say, you guys suck, instead of being good friends you manage to treat me like shit and I guess that's parcially my fault, but you have your heads shoved so far up your ass' that you can't even notice that the only time I'm really happy is when I get to talk to him. So if you jealous, insecure, self centered bitches can't at least do me the favor of talking about me behind my back instead of right in front of my than you can just go fuck yourselves, hope you have a real peachy lunch. I think I feel more like La Casita. (I say this because one of the most real and level headed friends I have was headed there for lunch and I knew she wouldn't have minded me tagging along last minute, unlike other people)