I miss...

his face
his voice
his smell
his taste
I miss when he looks deep into my eyes
when he holds me so tight I can barely breath
when he squeaks to show me he's happy
when he falls asleep in my lap
when he laughs at my jokes
when he tells me jokes
when he warms me in his arms
But most of all I miss his love

I feel like the longer we are away from each other the more his mind wanders. I love him but I can't help but be jealous when he's always talking to C. or Katt. And when he spends entire days taking pictures of Katt, then admitts he had a crush on her, I can't help but get upset. I havn't told him that I hate when he talks to other girls, but he gets jealous when I spend time with other guys so why can't it be easy for me to tell him, like it's easy for him to tell me. I hate feeling jealous, but I don't want to give it up either. How would that help keep us together? I should be honest with him but I'm afraid he won't be okay with it. Add onto that, that I get to see him this weekend, but not without being graced with C's presence the entire time. I'll be lucky if I get more than an hour of total alone time with him. And he wants to take pictures of me then which I should think is sweet. Why don't I? Maybe it's because it's an assignment that he has to do and I feel like thats the only real motive behind it. Not to mention one of the pictures he wants to be half naked and actually asked if I would be okay with Katt doing it if we didn't get the chance. How the HELL can I be okay with that?! I'm sorry but I'm not cool with that. I just don't know what to do.

wow...

My man sure did redeem himself tonight. I didn't really talk to him yesterday and I guess that was a really good thing. He talked to his ex and started thinking about where our relationship was and where his others had been when they fell apart. He started freaking out and thinking maybe we should break it off before we can't be friends. He wanted to call and tell me this but I was still in class so he couldn't. Then when I talked to him at lunch we couldn't talk privately because my best friend was there so that couldn't happen. He had to keep thinking about it. We finally talked today and he told me all this, then added that the moment he heard my voice on the phone, all his worries melted and that he couldn't think why he had ever started feeling that way. Major points to him because the way he worded it (better than I) had me almost in tears. God I miss him.... he is comming down next weekend though and I'll at least get to spend a little time with him, even if it's not the alone time I wanted....

First day..

wasn't nice. I hate my math teacher and I really don't like the people I have history with. Not to mention my man called to tell me that the romantic night at the artigians we had planned wasn't going to happen cause there isn't enough time. Thats not even the worst. That weekend is the one time he can visit for months and I have to spend all of it with him AND his ex. Not to mention she thinks I'm a bitch for no reason. I've met her once, but she loves my best friend who was also involved with my man. Now there was a time when my best friend told her friend something and she told J's ex who then freaked out on him. He called me and told me not to call her and be mad. I called her and asked her what had happened and soon we where joking and laughing about the whole thing. Well she then called J and started to cry because she had convinced herself that it was all her fault, plus she cries easily. Well J mentioned her crying to his ex later and she took it that I had made the sweet, silly, and perfect little K cry. That is the only thing she has to go by and yet she's telling all her friends that I'm such a bitch. What the fuck? Now people who have never even seen my face think I'm such a mean, cold bitch? Which is totally not true. I'm a nice person, I never say anything rude, I'm pretty quiet and I try really hard not to get impatient with people, though of course there are times when I'm really tired and I may snap at my friends, but I always explain and apologise later. I just think it's so fucked up. She's such a close minded person that she won't even give me a chance to explain. I'm so pissed I don't even try anymore. And now when somebody's like "Oh she's a bitch" I just laugh like that doesnt hurt and shrug and act like I dont care even though inside I'm crying cause I've never even met theses people and yet they're gonna tell all there friends the same thing.

I am....

Kaiya. I am still in school. I am my friends pyscologist. I am a doormat to everyone I know. I can't wait to get out of the small town I live in. I live with my mom. I lost my dad to ALS. I'm falling in love with a guy much older than me. I wish I where taller. I wish I had no hair from the neck down. I want to be with my man, but he's at college. I should have slept with him before he left, now I won't see him for weeks. I can't think of anything else to say, but that I never speak my mind to the people around me so I'm going to do it here.