Tells...

If I ever say 'fine' in answer to 'are you okay?' etc. And the fine seems crisp = I am actually upset.
If I push against you, squeeze or nudge you when we are close = I am looking for an equal response to answer that 'you' or 'we' are okay.
If I smile or want you to smile= I want to relieve tension.
If I want ask you not to do something= I have reasons.
If I grit my teeth but you cannot hear any noise from it= I am thinking or slightly annoyed, but just barely.
If I clench my stomach muscles= I am very angry and do not wish to speak why or of it.
If I become stoic, do not smile, or do not push to see a smile in a stressful or tense time= I have given up, am depressed, or angry.
If I look at you directly in the eyes and my nostrils are flared= I am extremely angry but do not wish to talk or am considering what to say.
If I ever hear you tell me to stand up for myself more then once in a conversation= I have to smack you.
If I breath deeply and have my eyes closed then snap them open and smile= I have just released or suppressed anger or sadness
If I grit my teeth and you can hear a noise= I am very angry
If I look worried and smile slightly= I am trying to show or see that you or I am at least alright and want an equal or better response.
If I say 'I'm trying'= I expect you to give me a little slack on the topic.
If I don't want you at that party= I don't want you to meet the people, be near the alcohol, or see me or what I used to be like in that environment.
And no, telling me that you don't care what I used to do is not going to help because you seeing them act like that would still hurt me.
Because, you see most or all of my 'no's or negatives towards things solely come from a need to protect myself. And if you where to watch me take a drink of beer in a party like situation or even meet a drinker/partier, it would in fact hurt me. So I do this not to exclude you or to act as if you cannot handle it, it is only that I choose not to place myself in a situation that would cause me stress, tension, unease, or any other uncomfortable feeling. So even though I love you and wouldn't mind taking you with me I am going to have to say no and insist that you do not come anyway or show up or anything only on the principle that you do not want to hurt me.

Anything else to say... hmm I can't think of anything else so for now I really do love you, and I...............wait just had a thought. When you talked to me tonight and did not answer' I love you' back the second time I said it and said 'bye' instead of goodnight in answer to my nigh-night, did that mean anything consciously or sub-consciously or am I just an over analytic worry wort. Anyway, guess I won't worry.

A Dream

A dream I didn't remember until just now, all I did remember was that it was sad and I woke up in tears. I dreamt of this maybe two nights ago.
It started that I was laying in bed sleeping and my cell phone rang, it was a paramedic from the Washoe Medical Center, notifying me that my mother had perished in a car accident. Now for a moment I consider going to school or calling my Uncle and telling him the horrible news, but then I am completely drained of all energy and I fall back into bed. I lay there and sleep through phone calls, presumably from my friends boyfriend and school as to where I am and why I'm not there. I must have been laying there for at least a few days, in a depressed almost trance like state, because then people are coming over to my house knocking and yelling and trying to get in which of course they can't. When these people come over I drudge around slowly and listen to their worries and at one point K comes and mentions that she has to call my man, cause she is sure he will know what is going on.
Well he doesn't and the calls just keep pouring in and I just never pick up. Now one day I am for some reason laying on my living room floor and I hear a quiet polite knock, a far contrast to the loud demanding knocks of so many others. I get up and walk toward my door but before I get there the lock turn smooth and silently. When it opens I am greeted to my man standing there in the doorway, expressionless. He stands in the doorway for a very long time just looking at me. When he finally moves he only opens his mouth to ask, "What's wrong?" I stand there for a while then I step towards him and say, "She's dead" in a monotone voice no feelings to speak of. Well he finally steps into the house and when he does I instantly start to cry, though it was more of a body shaking sob. And as I move to stumble towards him, he is already there holding me up while I just cry. Just standing with me, and I think it was for a span of days, then when I finally stop he hold my shoulders, smiles, and says, "You should eat something."
There is where I awoke crying and a little scared with no reason in mind. It was a very odd night, but I know that it was my subconcious trying to tell me that I should trust him more and let him in because I know he would be the one, if only, that no matter what will always be there to hold me when I'm weak and be there when I need him.

One

One idea, one option, one offer, one whisper, one is all it takes.
One cap to spiral down, one line to hit the ground, one taste to set that crown.
One voice offering fun, and when night is done and all forgotten a friend to keep you spun.
One thought of bitter times erased, faded into tight embrace.
One grasp so strong, escape seems so wrong.
One promise of fogetting, lost in a world so fast.
One promise of peace, people lost in the past.
And it would be so easy, to lose myself in the daze
No pain only a numb existance, filled with empty laughs and silenced cries
How simple to just lean back in, swept away with blinded crowds
No one would notice if the monster reached out for just one breath
Or if it drug me down with it, to cold places with only offer of coffee
And all it would take is one.
One bite, one taste, one whiff, to fall back to a world of high sights and dulled voices.

Home Sweet Home?

Hmm...

Have you ever felt separated. Like from your body or your mind. Like your only watching things going on, not living them. That's how I feel. I guess it's kind of nice, you see things through a different perspective. When you hear word you take them differently. I guess it's kind of peaceful, a little unsettling though. I kind of feel like I'm on PCP. Just really spaced and uncontrolled. I think if an idea popped into my head I would just do it, with no consideration of danger or consequences. huh kind of nice. Though my fingers are not really cooperating with me and it makes typing hard. I'm kinda hungry, I think I'll make pizza. No maybe I should take a bath, yeah that sounds better. Bye bye, tonight I sleep with a monster I did not invite in.

Poem

The stories, they don't compare
The pain, we cannot share
The guilt, we barely bare
The hearts, we try to share
The sights, just never dare
The sounds, no ones' to tear
To share, or not to share
Besides, you just weren't there
And how weird would it have been
You seeing me light up again
From angered breath and flared up nose
A life began, you'll never know
One's lost, one's found
Some sky, some ground
Spins all around, dropping so down
To darkest times and empty days
A world lived out as through a haze
Life so short, and yet so long
Cling to breath, all else is gone
Life is close, soon to awake
By either love or mighty quake
Shaken from the shadows cast
By demons, clinging to the past
Fought back by sun of blinding heat
The warmth my heart did struggle to meet
Love turns the key and let's her free
Out in the sun, frail and cold
Yet that warmth soon makes her bold
To stave off evil lurking inside
And open wide to curious eyes
Start with legacy of fast and fun
A breath so strong, nearly done
Music beats, the sound so strong
A dance, and moves that last so long
The night does die, but the sun never rise
A world now lost new friends, new ties
Beginning, all is started here
Unhealthy lack of sleep and fear
And now the story is but told
But that doesn't matter, for it is old

A question...

I was asked recently has had me thinking for a while. I was asked what I thought my true age was, because I act nothing like people in my own age group. It took me a while and a lot of looking at my own friends and how they act. When I finally realized I have more of an age range than a set age. I would have to guess that I'm any age between 20 to 35. At some times I can be young and carefree and I can shrug off all the crap that goes on, but at other times I feel tired and not old persay, but older than I should be, sometimes I can really feel the weight. The person who asked me this also gave this explination, "sometimes when you look at me I feel so young." This made me think about my experiences in life and how they add up to most other peoples that are my age. I've seen more death than almost any other people I know, and far too many at too close a range. I've partied more and lived more than so many others and I've seen so much more pain. I've seen alot and I've lived alot and I would be so ready to settle down and relax. Also tack on that I hang out with people who are not only very under developed, even for their age, mentally, but also who can barely keep up a civilized conversation, and I get easily overlooked. No one else notices when I look at them with the eyes of many more years with knowledge beyond them. No one but him, my love, my life, my

He and I are...

so much alike. When he isn't here with me... I'm lost. When I'm in my classes even though I'm surrounded by people who are loud and fun, I feel alone. They tell a joke and I may laugh but inside my heart will except no warmth. When I laugh my soul is only throwing out a gesture for the eyes of others. When they talk about things that are important to them I really couldn't care a less because the only person I could possibly think of right then would be him. He is so far away and he can't be here with me and it makes me cold. When I'm talking on the phone with someone and they tell me something I won't remember, because I wasn't even paying attention. I was thinking what he is doing or what he would say to what I was thinking at that time. When I walk and people smile and wave I smile back but if you looked into my eyes you would find sadness, distance, and tears edging nearer. When I talk if you listen close enough you would heae that my tone is cold and hopeless. Thing is no one notices but him and the moment I hear his voice the warmth and love returns to my voice. When he says I love you, the spark comes back to my eyes and the care returns. When I get to think about him I'm not so cold and when I get to hear him my life and soul reappears.

Why do you pick friends?

Is it because they are caring, supportive, fun, or maybe it's just that you get along great. Or are you the kind of person that chooses friend based on a subconscious fear or problem. Well that's me. I like to choose my friends based on the principal that they need to be relatively self absorbed and they need to have lousy skills when it comes to identifying emotions like anger, depression, and all together sadness. And boy can I choose them, my best friend, K is the perfect fit for that and I almost blew today. Usually her little snippy, bitchy comments don't bug me. Today when we went to lunch my man called like usual and instead of just being annoyed like I would understand, she starts whispering and laughing then does that, look back and giggle thing. That pissed me off so badly. So do you know what I wanted to say to her and the other person she was talking with? I would have loved to stop walking and just say Fuck You. And when they turned around I would simply say, you guys suck, instead of being good friends you manage to treat me like shit and I guess that's parcially my fault, but you have your heads shoved so far up your ass' that you can't even notice that the only time I'm really happy is when I get to talk to him. So if you jealous, insecure, self centered bitches can't at least do me the favor of talking about me behind my back instead of right in front of my than you can just go fuck yourselves, hope you have a real peachy lunch. I think I feel more like La Casita. (I say this because one of the most real and level headed friends I have was headed there for lunch and I knew she wouldn't have minded me tagging along last minute, unlike other people)

I was...

worried, and sad, and withdrawn. I didn't want to be in love with him. I really didn't want to think about a future with he and I still together. I didn't want to picture us married with children, still deep in love and I didn't want to admit that I may want it to end just like that. He told me he wants to see us together, that he hopes and prays that we can still be together in 10 years, and many more after that. And when he says these things, every fiber in my body wants to cry. To let tears flow down my cheeks and show him how much I really do care, but I couldn't. I couldn't squeeze a drop out of my eyes as he sits there crying and breathing hard, my eyes remain dry. And it shocked me and shook me to the core, it shook any of the trust I had had in my love towards him. And as I sat there still shaken only seconds after we had gotten off the phone I was pouring tears. I was shaking and crying and I could barely breath. And all my thoughts drifted away to leave only one that screamed through my head, "You love him." And I knew right then that I couldn't love him more if I tried, that I would give up anything to be with him. So I'm still worried about the fact that I couldn't let myself with, near, or to him. I really want to show him my emotions and I really want to show him when I'm hurt or sad or angry. I just have to hope that I can get over my fears and open up to him. I love him too much to let anything get in between our happiness.

He is...

sweet, romantic, quiet, funny, soft, gentle, loving, smooth, and silly. But sometimes just a few other things slip out. He can be rough, mean, cold, cruel, sadistic, and all around painful. And the weird thing is, these are just the things I'm looking for. I want a guy who can be rough and demanding. One who can hurt me then kiss away the pain. God I love him. He knows exactly how much I crave that pain and how deep down I am a masochist who just wants a good bite or claw. Then he can just snap and be oh so gentle and sweet. I love him, both his sweet side and his dark side that to this day no one but me really knows he has. No one noticed the red teeth marks on my neck or the long red scratches down my back. And when I asked him what I would say if anyone asked what happened, he wanted me to show them my entire red and raw back then say, 'At least I have someone who pleases me' and just laugh as they all stare and blush. God I love him, he is so perfect. I just wish he where here more. Today I didn't get to talk to him until after school and I found that all day, I was cold and I was just lacking most of my normal bouncy, loud, fun, outgoing emotions. Then when I talked to him later, I was all laughs and I was just about boiling. I really didn't think that I was that dependant on his voice, his laugh, his warmth, yet as more time passes between when we last talked I can feel my joy and warmth slowly ebbing away. I miss him so much and I got to say goodbye and see him this morning, god what am I going to do for weeks and even months on end? I love him so much, I just need to focus on school and being happy.

I'm trying...

really hard not to be jealous but it's hard. My boyfriend is a photographer and he is away at college. He also has a deep interest in nude photography and is a very sexual thinker. A while ago he told me about a friend he used to really like but never had the nerve to say anything to because she was dating this dude who was a total jerk. She is now going to school near him and he brings her down to take pictures for entire weekends. Now I know that they arn't going to do anything like have sex, but I'm still really jealous. It just really doesn't help that he used to like her, she's so close to him, and they're only getting to know each other that much better every day. Not to mention last nights phone call. He told me to call him before I went to bed and we both stay up really late. So I decided I'd call im at like one-thirty, not cause I was going to bed, but If Kat was asleep I didn't want to wake her up too late. So when I called they where still up and where taking blacklight photos, which was really cool, but he was really short and kinda mean. Even when I was trying to be nice and asked if I should let him get back to taking pictures, he was like "What?! I can't hear you. I need to get off the phone so love ya bye." and he was just really quick and snappy. I guess when it comes down to it I am just jealous that she gets to spend so much time with him and I don't know if that will ever change. I just miss him and I need him to tell me that I shouldn't be jealous and that he will always love me, like I've told him a dozen or so times. Oh well, I guess I won't get to hear that at least until this weekend is up.

I had such a...

great weekend. I missed him so much and it was so wonderful to get to spend time with him. Problem is I already miss him again. It hasn't even been three days and I already wish I where with him constantly. I love him so much and It's so hard to live without him. I don't know how long I can even keep my mind off him. Maybe a few moments at the most, but that is hardly enough to keep up with school and now I might be in a really big play. I really don't need all that extra work, but hey at least it'll be fun

I get...

to see him tomorrow. He's comming here to pick up some stuff and staying for the weekend. I'm really happy, but I won't get to spend all of it with him. He needs to spend time with his family and I have class this weekend so that equals out to like a day of bliss with him. I'm also really bummed because unless we go swimming there is no way we can get any up close and personal alone time. He also wants to take pictures but that didn't happen last time so I don't know if it will happen this time either.

If I could only...

be with him forever, be held in his arms forever, wrapped in his warmth forever. He hates that word, forever. I get why, it's such a permanent thing, almost a commitment. And even though he absolutely hates everything about that word, he used. He told me that he wanted us to be forever. That's such a big thing and I think I'm actually afraid. Not enough to tell him, or to really pull back, but it scares me that he is so ready to face his own fears for me. He only said those words once before and that was to a girl he was with for like three years. And we have only really been together for a few months. But I want to face this. I Love Him and I really do want us to be together. I want to spend my life with him and I want to work every problem out with him, but I'm worried that he is the one who is rushing into things. Maybe he is just looking to fill the hole that his ex of a year or so left in him. All I know is that at this moment I really want to be in his arms, holding him tight, our bodies completing each others. Only that can't happen so for now I'll have to settle for the fact that I will love him no matter what.

I miss...

his face
his voice
his smell
his taste
I miss when he looks deep into my eyes
when he holds me so tight I can barely breath
when he squeaks to show me he's happy
when he falls asleep in my lap
when he laughs at my jokes
when he tells me jokes
when he warms me in his arms
But most of all I miss his love

I feel like the longer we are away from each other the more his mind wanders. I love him but I can't help but be jealous when he's always talking to C. or Katt. And when he spends entire days taking pictures of Katt, then admitts he had a crush on her, I can't help but get upset. I havn't told him that I hate when he talks to other girls, but he gets jealous when I spend time with other guys so why can't it be easy for me to tell him, like it's easy for him to tell me. I hate feeling jealous, but I don't want to give it up either. How would that help keep us together? I should be honest with him but I'm afraid he won't be okay with it. Add onto that, that I get to see him this weekend, but not without being graced with C's presence the entire time. I'll be lucky if I get more than an hour of total alone time with him. And he wants to take pictures of me then which I should think is sweet. Why don't I? Maybe it's because it's an assignment that he has to do and I feel like thats the only real motive behind it. Not to mention one of the pictures he wants to be half naked and actually asked if I would be okay with Katt doing it if we didn't get the chance. How the HELL can I be okay with that?! I'm sorry but I'm not cool with that. I just don't know what to do.

wow...

My man sure did redeem himself tonight. I didn't really talk to him yesterday and I guess that was a really good thing. He talked to his ex and started thinking about where our relationship was and where his others had been when they fell apart. He started freaking out and thinking maybe we should break it off before we can't be friends. He wanted to call and tell me this but I was still in class so he couldn't. Then when I talked to him at lunch we couldn't talk privately because my best friend was there so that couldn't happen. He had to keep thinking about it. We finally talked today and he told me all this, then added that the moment he heard my voice on the phone, all his worries melted and that he couldn't think why he had ever started feeling that way. Major points to him because the way he worded it (better than I) had me almost in tears. God I miss him.... he is comming down next weekend though and I'll at least get to spend a little time with him, even if it's not the alone time I wanted....

First day..

wasn't nice. I hate my math teacher and I really don't like the people I have history with. Not to mention my man called to tell me that the romantic night at the artigians we had planned wasn't going to happen cause there isn't enough time. Thats not even the worst. That weekend is the one time he can visit for months and I have to spend all of it with him AND his ex. Not to mention she thinks I'm a bitch for no reason. I've met her once, but she loves my best friend who was also involved with my man. Now there was a time when my best friend told her friend something and she told J's ex who then freaked out on him. He called me and told me not to call her and be mad. I called her and asked her what had happened and soon we where joking and laughing about the whole thing. Well she then called J and started to cry because she had convinced herself that it was all her fault, plus she cries easily. Well J mentioned her crying to his ex later and she took it that I had made the sweet, silly, and perfect little K cry. That is the only thing she has to go by and yet she's telling all her friends that I'm such a bitch. What the fuck? Now people who have never even seen my face think I'm such a mean, cold bitch? Which is totally not true. I'm a nice person, I never say anything rude, I'm pretty quiet and I try really hard not to get impatient with people, though of course there are times when I'm really tired and I may snap at my friends, but I always explain and apologise later. I just think it's so fucked up. She's such a close minded person that she won't even give me a chance to explain. I'm so pissed I don't even try anymore. And now when somebody's like "Oh she's a bitch" I just laugh like that doesnt hurt and shrug and act like I dont care even though inside I'm crying cause I've never even met theses people and yet they're gonna tell all there friends the same thing.

I am....

Kaiya. I am still in school. I am my friends pyscologist. I am a doormat to everyone I know. I can't wait to get out of the small town I live in. I live with my mom. I lost my dad to ALS. I'm falling in love with a guy much older than me. I wish I where taller. I wish I had no hair from the neck down. I want to be with my man, but he's at college. I should have slept with him before he left, now I won't see him for weeks. I can't think of anything else to say, but that I never speak my mind to the people around me so I'm going to do it here.