I....just don't know...

I don't know jeff, about all this. It sounds fun and I think there's some really hot stuff that could come out of it but...I do kinda feel like your pushing me into this. You just barely introduced the hint of anything like that to her an you wanna try something only a week, if that, later? It just doesn't seem right babe. And this is the one weekend we actually get to ourselves... I just feel, I'm nervous too. I mean, if it does get really awkward or something goes weird or wrong you don't have to see her everyday, I do...and I was really looking forward to this weekend, valentines day, the house to ourselves, getting to really have the time to play and explore some things we've only touched on... And then halfway through this last weekend when you started picking up hints that maybe she'd be open, you started talking about getting some stuff, to play with and I kinda got excited, I mean we don't have anything that's for me and what I like alot but you hinted at something like that. But you're really not buying them for me and you...you're buying them for the chance that she does come and join us, right? Sure you say you got me something but what is it? Is it something I've mentioned I'd like or something you wanna try or use. You do that alot so I guess it really doesn't matter but... You know the whole hood thing...I mentioned that a while ago, but you really didn't consider it until she mentioned liking the dark too...and the vibe dildo...yah it was cheap but everytime you've gotten lots of things for yourself you've never even considered anything I really said I liked. And I don't feel like it's over price cause you've named things I've mentioned for less than $3. So to be honest I don't really know what to think of this weekend, I mean I mentioned really wanting to try out a hood and do you remember after telling me you were getting it....do you remember who the person was, the person who you mentioned first about wanting to use that on? Sure wasn't me...

Am I just that bad...

of a person? Or am I just a really shitty friend. I guess I've never had any actual good friend, I mean I have lots of "hey, I kinda know you" friends but I'm just not worth anything more. Any friends I deem as close either end up being bitches or never talk to me except when they have to, like when I'm sitting by them...Why is that? I wish I knew...I mean like...take dani. If I'm not with you I probably won't even get to meet Lee. And if I do get to meet her we surely won't hang out without you. I don't really even have any friends. Any at all...eric and dani are the closest I have to friends and I don't even talk to them outside of school. When you leave, other than school, I'll never talk to anyone...ever. I don't talk to people online cause I can't and no one texts me, even though I actually can. So what does that leave me as? Nothing...not a friend, I'm barely a person. I'm only good for when someone needs me and not the other way around. Everyone thinks I'm that worthless? Well fuck that. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean people have to fuck me over on everything, so if you bother reading this. This is why I don't wanna hang out, I may be one of your first thoughts but I'm no one else's. No where. Not at home, or even in choir, I have no friends but eric, kind of dylan but that doesn't count. Everyone else either doesn't want to know me or hates me. Great, and the only time in the past I've been thought of was when at last minute I'm needed. Well aren't I so special...I'm just worth so much. Sheesh...what a loser I can be, and here I'm wallowing about my lack of friends and people who care, even more loser-ish. Thanks for listening...maybe

Tonight...

I cried tonight because.... I suppose if I was ever asked  or needed to cry on the spot I could think of lots of things but there is only one that would instantly produce a tear. It would have to be just the thought of what I, and my life would be like without you. What everything would be like if I hadn't ever met you. Makes me watery eyed, even now. I just can't help but be saddened by the thought of my life without you in it... those silly things you do that keep me smiling, you make me happy in every way. You make my days wonderful and every thought of you cheers me. Thank You for meeting me, and for loving me.

Quark....

I have major food issues. There are some foods that I really like and some that I hate. BUT... there is also another quark with food that I wrestle with. I Love Good tasting food, and when I crave a food strong enough, I'll just get it or make it or whatever. but what happens if I can't....I hate that food. After one of my moments where I crave a food super strongly and don't get it, I won't eat, make, or want that food again for at least a week or so. Another issue I have with food is that I have a serious emotional connection with food, like not healthy obsession almost. Another ample reason why I should be either crazy or obese. When I have these super strong cravings and I don't get what I want before my craving changes then I will end up wanting or actually crying. Usually I just feel like shit and want to cry, but in cases where I am tired or stressed I actually will. Yes I know that I am slightly disturbing, this is not natural, and I know it can't be healthy. But hey, what can you do. And just to let you know, this probably is caused by my past...........hobbies, because it only really started after I found new...............hobbies. Anyway, just thought I'd let you in on that, Quark.

Getting Warmer

But sorry love not what your looking for. almost there though. <3

Tells...

If I ever say 'fine' in answer to 'are you okay?' etc. And the fine seems crisp = I am actually upset.
If I push against you, squeeze or nudge you when we are close = I am looking for an equal response to answer that 'you' or 'we' are okay.
If I smile or want you to smile= I want to relieve tension.
If I want ask you not to do something= I have reasons.
If I grit my teeth but you cannot hear any noise from it= I am thinking or slightly annoyed, but just barely.
If I clench my stomach muscles= I am very angry and do not wish to speak why or of it.
If I become stoic, do not smile, or do not push to see a smile in a stressful or tense time= I have given up, am depressed, or angry.
If I look at you directly in the eyes and my nostrils are flared= I am extremely angry but do not wish to talk or am considering what to say.
If I ever hear you tell me to stand up for myself more then once in a conversation= I have to smack you.
If I breath deeply and have my eyes closed then snap them open and smile= I have just released or suppressed anger or sadness
If I grit my teeth and you can hear a noise= I am very angry
If I look worried and smile slightly= I am trying to show or see that you or I am at least alright and want an equal or better response.
If I say 'I'm trying'= I expect you to give me a little slack on the topic.
If I don't want you at that party= I don't want you to meet the people, be near the alcohol, or see me or what I used to be like in that environment.
And no, telling me that you don't care what I used to do is not going to help because you seeing them act like that would still hurt me.
Because, you see most or all of my 'no's or negatives towards things solely come from a need to protect myself. And if you where to watch me take a drink of beer in a party like situation or even meet a drinker/partier, it would in fact hurt me. So I do this not to exclude you or to act as if you cannot handle it, it is only that I choose not to place myself in a situation that would cause me stress, tension, unease, or any other uncomfortable feeling. So even though I love you and wouldn't mind taking you with me I am going to have to say no and insist that you do not come anyway or show up or anything only on the principle that you do not want to hurt me.

Anything else to say... hmm I can't think of anything else so for now I really do love you, and I...............wait just had a thought. When you talked to me tonight and did not answer' I love you' back the second time I said it and said 'bye' instead of goodnight in answer to my nigh-night, did that mean anything consciously or sub-consciously or am I just an over analytic worry wort. Anyway, guess I won't worry.

A Dream

A dream I didn't remember until just now, all I did remember was that it was sad and I woke up in tears. I dreamt of this maybe two nights ago.
It started that I was laying in bed sleeping and my cell phone rang, it was a paramedic from the Washoe Medical Center, notifying me that my mother had perished in a car accident. Now for a moment I consider going to school or calling my Uncle and telling him the horrible news, but then I am completely drained of all energy and I fall back into bed. I lay there and sleep through phone calls, presumably from my friends boyfriend and school as to where I am and why I'm not there. I must have been laying there for at least a few days, in a depressed almost trance like state, because then people are coming over to my house knocking and yelling and trying to get in which of course they can't. When these people come over I drudge around slowly and listen to their worries and at one point K comes and mentions that she has to call my man, cause she is sure he will know what is going on.
Well he doesn't and the calls just keep pouring in and I just never pick up. Now one day I am for some reason laying on my living room floor and I hear a quiet polite knock, a far contrast to the loud demanding knocks of so many others. I get up and walk toward my door but before I get there the lock turn smooth and silently. When it opens I am greeted to my man standing there in the doorway, expressionless. He stands in the doorway for a very long time just looking at me. When he finally moves he only opens his mouth to ask, "What's wrong?" I stand there for a while then I step towards him and say, "She's dead" in a monotone voice no feelings to speak of. Well he finally steps into the house and when he does I instantly start to cry, though it was more of a body shaking sob. And as I move to stumble towards him, he is already there holding me up while I just cry. Just standing with me, and I think it was for a span of days, then when I finally stop he hold my shoulders, smiles, and says, "You should eat something."
There is where I awoke crying and a little scared with no reason in mind. It was a very odd night, but I know that it was my subconcious trying to tell me that I should trust him more and let him in because I know he would be the one, if only, that no matter what will always be there to hold me when I'm weak and be there when I need him.